Easy steps to stay strong when a manipulator ups their game. Chronic manipulators have one main goal: to get their way. To achieve this, they will use, deceive, and take advantage of anyone in their path. Often, these tactics get them the outcome they seek, but what happens when a manipulator doesn’t succeed?
Current research suggests that manipulators start to sacrifice their well-being while trying to justify their manipulative actions without internally condemning them. This indicates that a strong internal conflict starts when manipulators face a mismatch between their actual behaviors and their ideal behaviors. This discord could lead to positive change, but it also risks increasing their harmful behaviors to soothe their inner turmoil.
Simple Ways to Respond to a Manipulator When They Don’t Get What They Want
For victims of chronic manipulation, what does it look like in real life when a manipulator goes all out but faces defeat? If victims aim to effectively block their manipulators, it takes commitment and a willingness to take risks. Learning to recognize the aftermath of stopping a manipulator from getting what they want from you can be a survival tool in these situations. Manipulators who don’t get what they want typically engage in several predictable responses:
1. They Attack Others
If a manipulator fails to do what they do best, their immediate response usually involves anger. The person most likely to be in their sights is the one they haven’t been able to manipulate.
That anger will manifest as blaming, shifting guilt, and desperate attempts to convince others that their victim is a bad person or has wronged them in some way. Character attacks aimed at discrediting their victims are common, a likely development that victims should be ready to face. Knowing it’s coming can sometimes make it easier to handle.
How to Respond
Victims whose characters are attacked by a manipulator because they wouldn’t give in must remain strong. Consistently point responsibility back to the manipulator for the choices that landed them where they are. Victims must refuse to take responsibility for their manipulator’s feelings and behaviors.
2. They Paint Themselves as the Victim
Manipulators who don’t get what they want from others often switch to playing the victim overnight. To anyone who will listen, they share how they’ve been hurt, wronged, abandoned, and so on. To identify these patterns, watch for statements that lack accountability. Manipulators rarely accept full responsibility for their less than favorable outcomes.
How to Respond
When a manipulator seeks to cast themselves as a victim, it’s crucial to disengage. Don’t sit and listen to the sad story. Don’t agree just to get them away from you. Be direct. Tell them you don’t want to be part of their efforts to shirk responsibility for their own choices in life.
3. They Raise the Stakes
When things don’t go as expected, chronic manipulators often see it as an opportunity to intensify their efforts. They may increase their charm to get their way, deliver more threats, and push more boundaries to get what they want.
Failure is fluid for manipulators. Not getting what they want doesn’t necessarily equal total failure in the mind of a chronic manipulator; it could just indicate their tactics were off. Many manipulators view perceived failures as lessons in what to avoid next time. They’re honing their skills at using people to meet their own needs, which is never an exact science.
How to Respond
Victims should handle this response by setting firm boundaries and refusing to waver. Don’t fall for the flattery, promises of change, or succumb to fear. Remind yourself of what drives your manipulator to up the ante; this will help keep the situation in perspective.
4. They Disappear
If a manipulator is trying to get what they want from a particular situation, they may decide to lay low for a while to prove they’ve changed. Giving others space often grants them a renewed opportunity to restart their tactics later on.
How to Respond
If you’re facing an abrupt drop-off in activity after telling a manipulator “no,” brace yourself. It’s the calm before the storm. While you may think you’ve finally broken through to them, they’re resting, recuperating, and planning a comeback out of nowhere.
Victims must prepare for that comeback and, when it happens, stay firmly within the boundaries they’ve already set. Don’t reverse your decision to say “no” because your manipulator took a break from their usual behavior. Saying "yes" instead of "no" will greatly boost their use of manipulative tactics the next time they want something from you.
Self-Preservation
Chronic manipulation is, unfortunately, quite widespread. It appears in many types of relationships. Whether it’s a close relationship or a casual acquaintance, learning to first say “no” and then handle the storm that follows are essential steps in self-preservation.