In the quest for deeper connections and intimacy, couples often turn to relationship counselors for guidance. While some suggestions from relationship experts are helpful and grounded in research, many are impractical and unrealistic.
Activities like creating love maps, making vision boards, taking dance classes together, sharing a bath, writing a love letter each week, or leaving cute Post-It notes for each other can often feel disconnected from the realities of daily life.
A particularly common suggestion is to spend time gazing into each other's eyes. Even The New York Times endorses it. If you want to try it, arrange two chairs facing each other, with your knees touching. Breathe slowly and deeply. Continue making eye contact for five minutes. Feel free to blink.
Advocates claim that it reduces tension, deepens your emotional connection, and improves intimacy. At first glance, it even seems like there is some science behind it.
However, the initial study that sparked this trend had a small sample size, and many subsequent studies have failed to replicate the findings. Although there is some evidence for the release of oxytocin (the "love hormone") associated with eye contact, many researchers believe it’s the feeling of connection that causes physiological changes, rather than the eye contact itself. In simple words, eye contact makes you feel connected, but you can achieve connection in other ways.
So, while gazing into each other’s eyes won’t cause any harm, there is little evidence that it will significantly impact the long-term satisfaction of your relationship, especially if you or your partner feel awkward doing it.
Skip the Vision Board
There is also no evidence supporting the benefits of creating a vision board together.
The idea here is to align your goals and aspirations in a visual format. By gathering images, quotes, and pictures, and then compiling them on a board, you visualize your collective dreams and shared future. Proponents will tell you that it helps you understand your partner’s inner world by figuring out their hopes and dreams.
If you love detailed craft projects, go for it. But for many couples, especially those with busy schedules and without artistic inclinations, this activity could feel anywhere from awkward to absurd. Arguably, its aims can be achieved more simply: Consider small, regular, repeatable acts of connection.
Instead of vision boards, eye gazing, or a shared relationship journal, aim to connect once a week to talk through where you see yourselves in the future, and how you can best support each other. You could do this while doing something you already do together: a nightly walk, or over Sunday morning coffee.
Rather than elaborate date nights at romantic restaurants, maybe opt for a shared pizza and a movie together at home. This can be just as enjoyable without the cost.
Instead of signing up for dance classes, taking up shared hobbies, or planning a second honeymoon, aim small. Follow top tips on habit change, productivity, and performance: Focus on consistency and aim for small, incremental improvements instead of major overhauls.
Maybe that’s a croissant together at a local cafe before work. Or a cup of tea together before bed, while you chat about your day. Instead of love letters, try sending a supportive text message before your partner's important meeting or presentation.
Small acts of love have a big impact. Instead of planning a European getaway, regularly express appreciation and respect for your partner: Compliment them when they look nice, accomplish something at work, or go out of their way for a friend. Show gratitude for the things they do for you and the tasks they do around the home. Show affection, even when you’re tired. Be kind to them. Clean up after yourself. Be a joy to live with.
Be Realistic
Your relationship is likely very important to you. It is to most people. But it’s not all-encompassing. Popular relationship advice tells us our partner is everything to us. Famous movies tell us that our partner completes us. Popular songs celebrate partners who are perfect. None of this is true.
Spending time apart, pursuing individual interests and hobbies, actually maintains a sense of interest in your partner. So encourage each other to pursue personal interests, friendships, and goals.
And respect each other's need for privacy and personal time. Couples with small children know that being alone in the bathroom can truly be a moment of peace. If sharing a bath appeals to you, bring out the lavender oil and scented candles. But if a bath alone works better, do that. Successful relationships tend to be those that maintain a balance between closeness and independence.
Conclusion
While well-intentioned suggestions aim to foster intimacy and connection, many are impractical and shallow. The daily grind of modern life often leaves little room for elaborate relationship rituals, which can end up feeling more like another often disappointing chore than a romantic gesture. Relationships thrive on consistent, small acts of kindness and understanding, not grand gestures in a bubble bath. Adapt relationship advice to fit your circumstances and personality. Be flexible and discover what works best for you and your partner. And try to make the pursuit of intimacy a source of joy and pleasure, not stress.