Can a statement be considered a "lie" if the person doesn't recognize what is real?
"A person fully development is realized through the complete emergence from narcissism."
One of Freud’s significant insights is that humans possess a narcissistic core, prominently displayed in infancy. The developmental challenge, then, is to grow beyond this self-focused orientation and perceive objective reality with minimal distortion.
Infants have an intriguingly distorted view of reality (Piaget, 1970). Until they are about two years old, their task is to distinguish themselves from others and the external world. Here, they learn that their mother’s breast is not a part of them, and objects (and parents) exist even when they aren’t seen.
From ages 2 to 7, children begin to understand how the external world functions (Piaget, 1970). At this stage, they believe they are the fastest and smartest. They are extraordinarily egocentric, thinking you've changed their sandwich simply by cutting it in half. But, during this phase, they also learn that others have perspectives, histories, skills, thoughts, desires, and feelings different from their own. Empathy begins to emerge.
As every parent knows, love in childhood is about receiving. Children are driven by need fulfillment, emotional and physical security, and admiration. They can be irritable and demanding, and this is normal. Early friendships resemble this dynamic: Friends are those who share their toys, play what they want to play, and make them feel good. These friendships are, therefore, firmly transactional (based on exchange and reward) and can dissolve quickly.
From a psychoanalytic perspective, children are entitled little egotists: They have a distorted view of reality that places them at the center of their universe, and everything relates back to them. From this viewpoint, an adult with narcissism is stuck in these early stages of development, derailed by, for instance, trauma or excessive indulgence. When narcissism becomes extreme, it can lead to psychosis, which is a complete break from the objective reality of the external world.
This perspective from Erich Fromm, an early psychoanalyst and scholar of human love, profoundly changed my understanding of narcissism. Yes, I knew the symptoms, but I didn’t grasp the underlying reasons.
Fromm explains (paraphrased): With narcissism, as in childhood, inner feelings are projected onto the external world. To the child, the truth about the external world is that you are mean because they are upset. Their feelings (disappointments) become facts (you are mean). In the case of psychosis, extreme narcissistic anxiety becomes paranoia. People are out to get them. The external world is a reflection of their internal feelings, and the image is distorted.
And what about the narcissist in your life?
Let’s examine the love bomb from this perspective. You have been identified as the ideal partner: You have never been more attractive. The physical intimacy is incredible. The constant compliments feel amazing! Your sense of style is perfect, your physique (even very specific parts) is excellent, and even your pets or children might be wonderful. They want to "show you off". They talk about your future together and how wonderful it will be.
And this all feels real to you because it seems like it feels real to them. So, is it a fundamental "lie"?
Many psychologists present it as deliberate manipulation. And clearly, it often is. But is it always? For example, can it be a deliberate "lie" if there is little understanding of objective reality? Is a child being honest when they say Santa came to their school? Don’t you need to understand the truth to distort it intentionally?
Let’s reconsider the love bomb with these new lenses:
If a narcissist develops a crush on you and if feelings become facts, it appears that these feelings have been projected into a reality in their mind. You make them feel good about themselves (cute, attractive, admired), so the reality must be that you are what they envisioned. They have "never met anyone like you," so it makes sense that they want to pursue this relationship! Dive into a passionate romance full of intense chemistry.
But be cautious with a narcissist, the situation can quickly take a turn for the worse. When you make them feel bad by, for instance, giving them feedback on their other self-absorbed behavior, you will suddenly become the worst person in the world. The loving facade will drop, and you will witness anger, fear, or a combination of the two. There is no reasoning with someone in this state. They can also be dangerous.
From a psychoanalytic perspective, the love bomb and the narcissistic rage are symptoms of the same distortion of the external world, where feelings have been projected into facts. In other words, they don’t have a firm grasp of objective reality. And this is what the old-school psychoanalysts referred to as insanity.
People with narcissistic personality disorder are notorious for transitioning out of the love-bomb stage into one of inconsistency and deception. This is incredibly perplexing for their targets.
Common behaviors include gaslighting, blame-shifting, silent treatments, and even accusing you of the very things they themselves have done (projection). Targets may even begin to feel like they are losing their grip on reality.
This can all be followed by a quick replacement (a new "narcissistic supply"), leaving the target feeling utterly confused and abandoned. In fact, the charm and allure of the narcissist can be so captivating to potential partners that it becomes an effective strategy for reproduction.
From this psychoanalytic viewpoint, if reality is so distorted by the narcissist that they are in a state of self-deception, then these behaviors actually make sense. It seems like they're being attacked, so they believe you must be the one attacking them. They need to ghost you to protect themselves from you because you are the aggressor. They may completely vilify you from their narcissistic perspective and then leave the interaction feeling fearful and blaming you for betraying them. An internal state has become an external truth, and you are now the target of projection. Congratulations.
These feelings and distorted realities in the narcissist are easily resolved simply by finding someone else to adore and appreciate them in a way "you never did." (In fact, they may have already started this process while still with you.) In their mind, they are now the victim of your selfish behavior; you have betrayed all the love they felt for you, and now others must be told how terrible you are ("narcissistic smear campaign").
You might not have realized it, but your relationship was transactional. What mattered to them was what they could get from you: desire fulfillment, physical contact, and admiration. It was all about receiving. You were their "narcissistic supply."
For those of us who have been involved with a narcissist, a painful question arises: Was I ever loved? And if I was, how can I ever get it back?