The point about self-worth becoming tied to their approval is the one that takes longest to undo. Because by the time you leave, you're not just grieving the relationship. You're trying to rebuild a sense of yourself that was quietly being dismantled the whole time. That part shows up months later when you realize you don't know what you actually think anymore.
The question at the end is the right one but it took me a long time to be able to sit with it honestly. Because the answer isn't really about the person who did the damage. It's about something much older that was already running before they showed up. That's the part I had to go back and look at: why it felt so familiar.
Wow. It was like rewatching someone’s life very near me. Heart wrenching. May God have mercy on us all especially victims of this devastating pain and suffering.
This is my first comment on substack. I couldn’t help shaking my head in amazement the further I read this brilliant article. It describes to the tee exactly what I went through over the last 10 years of my life with a controlling, manipulative narcissist. She destroyed everything and now I’m left trying to rebuild my mind and entire life. I’m fortunate that I have a really good friend who saw through these lies and helped me escape. That’s literally what I had to do - escape. Incredibly accurate article. 👍
Covert narcissists live in a falsified world of false narratives. They are envious and jealous and take no responsibility or accountability for anything. They divide their families through favoritism and have no self worth. They create division so everyone will fight for their love. They have no soul and will do anything to ruin your holiday or celebration even to the point of self inflicting wounds to steal your thunder. They are lacking mentally and spiritually and seek control to subsidize their lack. They continuously use trickery and confusion to control the narrative. They’re pathetic and despicable human beings.
Point 7 is the one that doesn’t get talked about enough — and I’d push it even further. It’s not just something narcissistic individuals do. Entire institutions can engineer it. I spent nearly a decade inside a Korean conglomerate where your sense of self-worth became structurally tied to hierarchy approval — a performance review, a senior’s nod, a promotion you waited years for. After long enough, you genuinely lose the ability to evaluate yourself independently. You stop asking “am I doing well?” and start waiting to be told. The exit isn’t leaving a person. It’s trying to rebuild an internal compass that was quietly outsourced to the system.
The point about self-worth becoming tied to their approval is the one that takes longest to undo. Because by the time you leave, you're not just grieving the relationship. You're trying to rebuild a sense of yourself that was quietly being dismantled the whole time. That part shows up months later when you realize you don't know what you actually think anymore.
The question at the end is the right one but it took me a long time to be able to sit with it honestly. Because the answer isn't really about the person who did the damage. It's about something much older that was already running before they showed up. That's the part I had to go back and look at: why it felt so familiar.
Priscilla said the thing the article points toward but doesn't quite land on!
The question isn't only about why you stayed. It's about why it felt so recognizable when it started. What in you already knew that shape.
That's where the real work begins..
DK, The Unraveling 🤍
Dead on! Was married to one for 12 years and it took over a decade to get over the damage done. Some of it never will be gone.
Wow. It was like rewatching someone’s life very near me. Heart wrenching. May God have mercy on us all especially victims of this devastating pain and suffering.
This is my first comment on substack. I couldn’t help shaking my head in amazement the further I read this brilliant article. It describes to the tee exactly what I went through over the last 10 years of my life with a controlling, manipulative narcissist. She destroyed everything and now I’m left trying to rebuild my mind and entire life. I’m fortunate that I have a really good friend who saw through these lies and helped me escape. That’s literally what I had to do - escape. Incredibly accurate article. 👍
Covert narcissists live in a falsified world of false narratives. They are envious and jealous and take no responsibility or accountability for anything. They divide their families through favoritism and have no self worth. They create division so everyone will fight for their love. They have no soul and will do anything to ruin your holiday or celebration even to the point of self inflicting wounds to steal your thunder. They are lacking mentally and spiritually and seek control to subsidize their lack. They continuously use trickery and confusion to control the narrative. They’re pathetic and despicable human beings.
The concept of narcissism does not exist in the same way as toxic love
Priscilla said the thing the article points toward but doesn't quite land on!
The question isn't only about why you stayed. It's about why it felt so recognizable when it started. What in you already knew that shape.
That's where the real work begins.
DK, The Unraveling 🤍
Point 7 is the one that doesn’t get talked about enough — and I’d push it even further. It’s not just something narcissistic individuals do. Entire institutions can engineer it. I spent nearly a decade inside a Korean conglomerate where your sense of self-worth became structurally tied to hierarchy approval — a performance review, a senior’s nod, a promotion you waited years for. After long enough, you genuinely lose the ability to evaluate yourself independently. You stop asking “am I doing well?” and start waiting to be told. The exit isn’t leaving a person. It’s trying to rebuild an internal compass that was quietly outsourced to the system.
are they actively aware that they are doing this? or are their brains just built to “connect” with people in that way?