One of the most shocking moments in a relationship with someone who has untreated narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is realizing that your partner doesn't care if you're in pain or hurt. This can be very difficult for most people to understand. How can someone who claims to love you be so indifferent to your feelings that they belittle you, ignore your needs, and purposely mistreat you?
Narcissists Lack Deep Empathy
A major reason why people with NPD may hurt others to get what they want is that they lack emotional empathy. They might seem to care, but it’s usually just an act.
Emotional Empathy vs. Cognitive Empathy
There are two main types of empathy that most people possess: emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. Individuals with untreated NPD generally have cognitive empathy but very little emotional empathy.
What Is Emotional Empathy?
Emotional empathy is the ability to naturally (without conscious effort) feel a portion of what someone else is feeling.
Example: You see someone accidentally hit their thumb with a hammer, and you instantly wince in empathy. Or, your child feels happy about being selected for a sports team, and you feel that happiness, too.
What Is Cognitive Empathy?
Cognitive empathy, on the other hand, requires thought. It’s not an automatic reaction. It’s more like acting. You understand that a situation calls for an empathic response, but you don’t actually feel anything. You think about how to convey an appropriate amount of empathy.
Example: A close friend loses their father. You may not have had a particular liking for him, and you feel inconvenienced by the funeral. However, you keep these feelings to yourself and say something you believe expresses the expected empathy, such as:
"I'm really sorry your father passed away. I know you’ll miss him deeply. We all will."
Note: Here, I’m using the terms narcissist, self centered, and NPD to refer to someone who qualifies for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
Can Narcissists Develop Emotional Empathy?
I have worked with clients with NPD who started to develop emotional empathy through successful therapy. My clients all followed a predictable path with similar steps.
Certain conditions needed to be met for my clients to feel their first instance of emotional empathy for another person:
1. They were highly invested in their therapy and making good progress.
2. The person they felt empathy for was harmless to them and lower in status.
3. This harmless person looked up to them and confided in them.
4. The situation the person shared was highly distressing and similar to something my narcissistic client had gone through.
Example: Bill and His Older Brother Benny
My client, Bill, had an older brother, Benny, who used to torment him. Their father had passed away, and their mother had to work when Bill was still very young. Benny, who was five years older, was supposed to take Bill home from school and look after him until their mom returned.
But Benny disliked having to take care of his younger brother. At first, he just picked on him, but eventually, he began to hit him. Benny threatened Bill, warning him that if he ever told anyone, he’d hurt him worse or break his favorite toy.
By the time Bill reached middle school, he had started fighting back, surviving several intense confrontations with his brother and becoming a strong, resilient young man.
Today, Bill is an adult leading a department in a company. He exhibits narcissistic traits and can be very harsh. He struggles with managing his anger.
Bill came to therapy because his wife and kids were afraid of his outbursts, and his wife had threatened to leave him if he didn’t change. After his lonely, painful childhood, he valued having a real family and was willing to make significant efforts to protect it. He wasn’t interested in other women.
Bill Experiences His First Taste of Emotional Empathy
Bill came into his therapy session looking pleased and shared the following story:
"I believe I truly felt deep emotional empathy for the first time. There’s this young guy at work I hired and mentor a bit. He looks up to me. One day he started talking to me about how much he hates his older brother. They haven’t spoken in years. I asked him why, and he told me his brother always beat him up as a kid. He used to hide from him. I actually felt sorry for him! The situation was so much like mine."
Empathy and Animals
Some of my narcissistic clients were able to form real attachments to their pets and treated them well. However, many of my narcissistic clients treated their animals much like they treated people. They’d give them treats when pleased and mistreat them when they misbehaved. This was especially true when their pets were dogs.
When I applied the same criteria for when someone with NPD might begin to show emotional empathy, I found that similar conditions applied to animals. They were more likely to develop empathy for pets that were:
1. No threat to the narcissist
2. Submissive
3. Obedient
4. Affectionate
5. Attentive
Summary
People with untreated NPD generally lack emotional empathy. The typical reason is that emotional empathy was not valued in their family during their upbringing, so they were never encouraged to develop it. The more socially adept narcissists build basic social skills and function in the world by using cognitive empathy. Some of my clients with narcissistic traits begin to develop emotional empathy through therapy. This process happens very gradually and only under specific circumstances.