Handling disagreements constructively is crucial for maintaining lasting intimacy.
In every new relationship, conflicts inevitably arise. Often, after an initial period of bliss and happy Instagram posts, certain aspects of your partner may start to bother you.
Do you suppress your feelings, or do you confront them head-on?
This is the perfect opportunity to change the dynamics. Your actions in this moment will determine whether your relationship thrives or fizzles out.
Conflict is Natural
Having conflicts with your new partner doesn't necessarily signify a problem. As you become closer and more intimate, experiencing irritation or frustration is normal. New relationships are filled with assumptions, projections, and distortions. Essentially, you may not see the person for who they are; instead, you might see the person you want them to be.
As personal intimacy grows, projections and distortions soon dissipate, and your assumptions are challenged. You might be surprised to discover traits in your partner that you don't particularly like. Perhaps your partner has a short temper and easily gets angry. Maybe they are messy, their room resembling a crime scene, or they are irresponsible with their finances.
You might find these qualities annoying and not what you signed up for. However, you'll likely avoid addressing them directly. What holds you back from speaking out? There are many misguided beliefs about expressing dissatisfaction in relationships. Among the most common are these:
Expressing my dissatisfaction will:
- Put my partner in a bad mood.
- Damage my relationship.
- Lead to my partner rejecting me.
- Cause a rupture that won't heal.
- Escalate conflict and discord.
Hence, you might choose to ignore or suppress your dissatisfaction. That may work for a while, but make no mistake: Resentment ultimately becomes toxic and will end poorly for everyone involved.
Of course, you could avoid voicing your dissatisfaction altogether by throwing in the towel. However, consider this: You cannot build sustainable intimacy until you learn to lovingly address dissatisfaction and conflict.
Confront Conflict Courageously
Effective conflict resolution skills are essential in my weekly therapy groups because they enable you to express dissatisfaction in a way that enhances intimacy and closeness. When you learn to address conflict courageously, you'll no longer have to swallow your dissatisfaction or suffer in silence, and your partner won't have to wonder what's bothering you. You're also less likely to explode out of frustration or trigger an angry response in your partner.
In essence, addressing conflict compassionately is a win-win for both of you. It brings clarity and authenticity to your relationship, which is crucial for building trust.
Essential Conflict Resolution Skills
Successfully addressing conflict boils down to communication. When you're frustrated in your relationship, consider these guidelines:
1. Start with positive affirmations.
Instead of confronting your partner with harsh complaints or criticisms, acknowledge what they're doing well. Begin with positive affirmations and then gently express your concern. For example:
"I love spending time with you, but when you're late, it makes me anxious."
"I like spending time at your place, but the mess in your room makes me feel uneasy."
"I like talking to you without distractions. Could we agree to put our phones away when we hang out?"
Express your dissatisfaction with kindness and give your partner a chance to respond. Rather than feeling attacked, people often report feeling cared for and appreciated in such communications.
2. Take ownership of your feelings.
You bring your history into every relationship. You have triggers. Sometimes, you might allow these triggers to dictate your actions, leading you to make choices you later regret.
Acknowledging yourself, your needs, and your history leads to better relationships. Instead of blaming your partner for your feelings, start by taking ownership of them. For example:
"I have difficulty trusting people" means you are taking responsibility for your part in the issue.
"I tend to be anxious in new relationships and feel overwhelmed" is another instance of owning your role without blaming or accusing your partner.
"I become irritable and critical when I'm hungry" helps your partner become aware of your moods and what triggers them.
3. Practice patience.
Yes, you're upset. Yes, you want your needs met. But impulsivity and impatience wreak havoc on new relationships. Take a moment. Give your partner a chance to respond. Don't be defensive; don't blame or instruct. Be patient. Let them express their thoughts before you react.
4. Listen attentively.
Listening is an act of love. Pay attention to your partner, try to see things from their perspective, and understand that they have issues stemming from their history and triggers too. When people feel valued and respected, they are less defensive, more receptive to influence, and less combative.
5. Respond honestly.
People often withhold their true feelings, especially in new relationships. They might play it "casual," "nice," or "easygoing," all while harboring frustration and annoyance that will eventually boil over.
Do your best to be genuine and direct. "Being genuine is more appealing than pretending to be someone you're not." Of course, many other skills are needed to create healthy relationships, such as setting boundaries and open communication. Group therapy is the best choice for learning how to navigate the turbulent waters of relationships successfully. On that journey, compassionate conflict resolution skills are an essential tool that will never let you down.